2001-06-07 - 12:37 a.m.

I Don't Matter (to some people)

I got dropped from someone's favorite diaries list recently. What's up with that? Did I get more boring since I started? How would that be possible?

Spent a nice quiet evening at home today. That let me spend double the usual amount of time painting minis, and also do some badly overdue cleaning of the living room.

It continues to feel good at weird at the same time to be talking to Lissa. I just realized that we've exchanged about twenty messages now, and I haven't made a single sexual comment. That has to be some sort of record. Apparently my mental rules for talking to Lissa got stuck when we were sixteen and she wasn't impressed with my moves. Hmmm.

I contrast this with Mer and Julie, with whom it requires a continuous act of will *not* to make sexual comments, and Jill, for whom I don't even make the effort. :)

I've been trying to figure out whether my desire to speak to people I went to high school with is inconsistent with my low-level dread of going back to Birmingham. I think both feelings come from the same source. Once something gets under my skin, really matters to me, I never really get shut of it. Talking to old friends again makes me feel good, because I'm under *their* skin too. It's symmetrical. On the other hand, I never got under the skin of Birmingham itself. Whenever I go back there, it reminds me that boringville went on just the same without me. I'm not so happy with that idea.

Nothing good ever comes of letting things matter to you when you don't matter back.

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