2001-06-24 - 1:43 a.m.

Dinner with Lissa

Dinner with Lissa went pretty well, I think. It says something bad about me that I felt a small smidgen of satisfaction that the first girl ever to dump me is clearly having a less pleasant life than I. On the other hand, it's only a small smidgen of satisfaction, and I spent a lot of time trying to point out that she could improve her life if she put some work into it.

The entire day felt a lot like being in high school again. Sitting in a house I haven't been in since I was 16, talking to a girl I haven't seen since I was 17, trying to find something to do on a Friday night. Ugh. Thank Ged we only have to be teenagers once.

Inevitably my own intimacy issues started acting up, and I had to concentrate a little to avoid acting like a moron. This was the first time I'd gotten (re)acquainted with someone since I figured out that I had these issues, and it made for a weird experience. One part of my brain kept suggesting clever ways to lure the poor girl deeper into my web, and a much larger part kept reminding me that under no circumstances could that ever been either a good idea or a genuine impulse. It's just residual trauma and the all-too-typical male desire to "help" some poor woman.

Luckily, I'm 29 and I know exactly how stupid that urge to "help" ends up being. If I could give transfusions of self-confidence and assertiveness to friends who need them, I certainly would. Alas, I can't, and I've stopped giving myself ulcers trying. I can be a good friend without making other people's problems my own. And I will.

I also ended up with a new appreciation of my relationship with Julie. As Lissa described some of the problems she's having with her husband, I recognized many of them as problems Julie had with me. We now have seven years of history solving problems with each other. We're stable. We're good. We have fun together. Our child rocks our world, and may rock yours someday. I have spent the years since I last talked to Lissa very well, on the whole. And that's not even counting the friends I've made, who are far better people than the friends I had in high school. (Eric excepted. Eric is a mensch.)

All that being said, it was profoundly nice that Lissa and I could have long talks, find that we still like each other, and still care about each other. It was even nicer that she said a lot of very complimentary things about me. I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

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