2001-01-23 - 12:26:02 PM

Oh please, oh please, lie to me

I've been thinking about Kristen again lately.

Jill told me on Friday that she'd been appointed to the vacant city council seat, which I thought was cool. I considered sending her a congratulatory email message, but eventually I decided not to. I can't talk to her honestly, because I still want something from her, and I can't talk to her about it.

I was young and pretty much stupid when we dated. I figured that since I was happy, and she didn't say she was unhappy, we were a happy couple and all was swell. I was pretty shattered when she dumped me. But the warning signs were all there, I just didn't see them.

Since then, I have a lot more trouble being blithely certain of things. As the years go by, I find myself getting more and more insecure about the relationships that really matter to me. Which is pretty much the opposite of how I thought it was supposed to work.

I feel like I'm missing a piece of me- that my self-confidence in matters of the heart has been expopriated by my ex-girlfriend. I want her to give it back. I want her to tell me what I was right and she was wrong and the whole thing was totally her fault.

That would be a lie, since it wasn't. I'm a better person without that piece of me. As Coleridge said, I'm a sadder but a wiser man now.

Sometimes, though, I want to be young and stupid again.

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