The Negative Voice
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2003-08-03 - 4:12 p.m.

My New Resume

Stolen from Mer, who stole it from elsewhere:

Piracy Application

Known Aliases: Black-heart Larke, Outrage

Age: For thirty-one foul years now, I've been dreaming of the pirate life on the high seas.

Particular Skills Or Traits Beneficial To The Buccaneering

  • I've mastered me pistolwork well, and me rifles too. I'll be bringing 'em all aboard if hired, and me stock o' bullets.

  • I may seem slow in the quiet times, but I'm the man of action indeed when the cannonballs fly and the riggin' is torn.

  • With me great height and cruel stare, no merchant shipman will deny me what I'm takin'.

  • It's been a score of years since any man saw me back down from a fight.

  • While I've never worked the seas before, I've many years work as a leader o' men, and I'm fit for mate's work abaft the mast.

Prior Experience:

  • It's five years now I've been workin' for the biggest gang o' pirates on the mainland.

  • Many, many years floutin' the laws governin' the velocity of land vehicles.

  • Seven years trainin' in close-quarters shootin' battles.

Sing A Verse From A Pirate Song, me bucko:

I think I shan't, for I'm not yet bucko nor yer damned minstrel. Take me aboard and hand me the papers, or be damned to ye, but look to me not for yer frivilous notions.


  • The Arb Ninja

  • Half-ass Haskell

  • Cap'n Dwinn and his pirate wench, Julie the Raven

Why Should Aye Hire A Mangy Sea Dog Such As Yeh Fer Me Crew?

I'll be bringin' in my share o' loot and more if I'm aboard. I'll be thinkin' the blackest thoughts toward ya if ya sail without me. Shall thee have for a willing hand or a fiendish foe? For it's now you'll be choosin', and never the more.

Do Ye Like Rum?

Only after I've done my pillagin' and the other crimes, for it's best on an empty belly and a powerful thirst.

How Many Full Limbs Do Yeh Have:

Four, or five if she's fair.

Do Ye Follow Orders Without Question? Aye've No Room For Mutinous Scum Aboard Me Ship:

Of a certainty, for such be the basis of order on the ship, and a tight ship the basis of becomin' a fearsome pirate.

When Are Ye Available To Start:

Take me aboard when ye please, for I've never once stopped, if ye catch the cut of me jib.

Know Ye Anything About Cartography:

I know that it's havin' to do with maps, which do strike me as an unnatural contrivance and the work of ol' Scratch.

If This All Be True, Make Yer Mark:

Black-heart Larke, supperannuated corsair

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