The Negative Voice
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2003-06-04 - 12:39 a.m.

Out of Order

Yikes. I didn't mean to go so long without updating, honest. Over Memorial Day I went to the Arb Ninja's parents' house, and got completely unwound for once, and then I came back and discovered that it would have been simpler in many ways to just stay wound. Plus and also, I've been sick, and the dog ate my homework.

I just got done watching Out of Order on Showtime, and I felt like I saw myself reflected in parts of it, although in a distorted way. A very distorted way, I guess, since the marriage between the main characters has nothing to do with my life. Felicity Huffman's character reminds me of a friend I talk to sometimes, and Eric Stoltz's character reminds me of the way I feel when Julie gets worked up about things that I regard as routine difficulties, and so on, and so forth. I wouldn't even write about it except that I found myself wanting to condemn the people on the show. Is there a streak of self-hatred coming through here? If so, must root it out and punish it for its sins, which apparently include making me omit articles when I write.

I had a fight with Julie last week that had me right on the edge of something. Right now it's about half blown over and half hanging fire. It gave me new empathy for some of my friends whose behavior I never quite got before, though. Right after the fight, I was trying to imagine an alternate future where I didn't move in with her. I totally failed. Sure, I was pissed as hell at her, but what were the other scenarios? I don't know if I'm all in (as Dann put it), but I've certainly got a lot more in the pot than I ever had before. More than I suspected, apparently.

On the other hand, I'm not going to throw any more into the pot until we have the rest of the fight, because while I feel calm, we still have this issue to work out. I'm not sure than I'm not in the wrong on the whole issue, though.

Also, I find myself listening to The Outfield right now. Hmmm. That can only mean that there's a serious mood swing going on over here. Stupid TV melodrama.

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